Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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