So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
even my farts smell like vagina
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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