if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
