im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Can I color on your dick again?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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