I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
