he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
