my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
