too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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