I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
