You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
