Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
