Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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