I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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