We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You've changed since you got that strap on
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
