It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize