After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
