Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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