Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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