hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
