Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
