Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
