im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You dont lie about slip and slides
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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