Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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