all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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