i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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