its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
