i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
