Well apparently he's into motor boating.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
