I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
