So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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