I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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