Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
