ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
