I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
