Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
