theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
