I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
