Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
