worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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