The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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