She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
