I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize