Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
