my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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