even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
