No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
