i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Did we literally take a cab across the street
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
