do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
