I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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