we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
