You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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