Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
