why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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