I think i sorta joined a cult last night
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
FUCK WHALES
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
