The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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